Thursday, August 9, 2012


You know, life is just so... in lack of a more poetic word, random. Random to me is an ugly word, an ugly concept with no charisma at all. As a person in constant chase for those ways to angle the world, who squints at it to make it prettier, a word like random can be such a harsh, and evil word. And even as soulless as it is, what is worse is the infamous What if...
You see, I had to put my horse down on Saturday August 4th. There was an accident. Random. I'm trying not to blame myself, blame the world, trying not to loose myself in the dark maze of What if. I am smart enough to understand that no amount of guilt, rage, sorrow or depression will change what happened. It was simply something that happened. It could have happened anytime, it could have been a different kind of accident, a thousand ways could have hurt her, my precious beutiful mare. Life is just time passing, and events constantly billowing forward like fire. It consumes everything, and leaves nothing behind, in the end not even memories. I sometimes find solice knowing that what I am was once part of a star, and in the end, I will again be part of a star. The unfathomable amount of time needed to pass between these two milestones in the atomic life of me, is beside the point. The Universe is just there, it does not live or die, it exists and changes, it carries on, and in one tiny little part of it, a girl who loved a horse had to make the decision to let that horse die because she had cut three tendons in her leg, tangled in the neighbors eletrical rope fence. The girl had to decide if it was worth putting the mare through an immense amount of stress beyond what she was already in, in the hopes of a very slim chance of partial recovery. Or let her end her life in the outdoors, with her loved ones right there, with no need for any more pain or stress.

I chose to let her go. My last memory of her consist of me letting her graze on apatch of grass behind a barn. Her sister was there, as well as my sister and my husband. We waited for the Man to come and put her down. She'd been given sedatives and painkillers, but even so it was horror to lead her out of the stable with a leg that just wouldn't bend right. In the end it was worth it, because she got to be outside, on the grass. The sky was grey with soft rainclouds. Swallows swooped by. I remember absently mentioning that I did not feel it was neccesary for it to rain just now. The mare was pretty peaceful. She looked out over the yellow fields, listening for something. I kissed her goodbye on he rmuzzle and handed her over, went to sit in the stables, but moved outside and collapsed on the grass, with her flyrein in my hands. I heard the bang, but I don't remember if it came in the stable or once I was in the grass. I cried a little, but my stomach hurt so badly I barely could. The scenery was devastatingly beautiful and it started to rain gently, maybe when she was completely gone. Nature coming together in morbid perfection.
It just hurt so much that I was numbed, and I was afraid to let go of this steelgrasp I had over it, for if I let it, I don't think I could ever recover from the raging river of tears and bawling sadness it would unleash.

I can't believe I'll never get to see her again. Never caress that soft pelt, never scratch her chest. Never... anything, anymore.

I will love you, I will remember you, as long as I live.

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